All too much

The last couple of weeks have been a struggle and I have found it hard to post anything on my blog. I have written countless drafts, those of which I felt were too honest or risky to share with the internet (or any of my readers that are close to home).

I have been stressing about everything from money problems to what the future holds for my education. I have put many feelings on hold to focus on other things and it’s messing with my mind. Half of my time I spend worrying about money, the other half I spend wishing I wasn’t so lonely.

Nobody talks about the emotions that come with the in-between months before university, not being able to hold anything too close to your heart because you know that it has to end prior to moving away. I have my friends, but that isn’t always enough. I feel I am restricted. I don’t want to be alone for seven months, but I don’t want a new relationship with someone. I am in a place where I am mentally and physically unprepared for anything new. I want what used to be, but an improved version — that’s what it would be — if I were to go back. Going back isn’t even a way to look at this, it would be the turning point.

Nothing could ever be as it was, I have used this alone time to become a better person. I learned a lot about myself and the way I used to be. The improved me would make for an incredible relationship. One that would be amazing but would never work in these seven months, not if it had to end. There is still a lot of growing to do, a lot of personal goals to achieve. It would be selfish to even consider anything right now.

I am all for achieving these goals, I am just not coping with the isolation that comes with it.

Just a snippet of my current tangled thoughts and emotions,

XOXO

Hannah.

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