Sanity, Is That You?

As most of you know — from either reading my blog posts or being around me — I have been über stressed about university and the countdown to getting my results.

After having to wait almost a week after everybody else had received their results, I finally got mine.

I actually found out that I had a place at my desired university (De Montfort) before I’d even received my results, which led me to believe that I had done well, which was confirmed two days later.

It felt like so much stress had disappeared at that moment, a weight lifted off of my shoulders and it felt as if I were walking on air.

I am in an extremely rare moment right now where I actually have nothing to worry about. My personal life isn’t great, but it’s not bad, it just has no significance.

This summer has been the marking of many changes, all of the negatives have been in my personal life, but I didn’t get upset about them like I should have because somewhere deep down inside my intuition told me that this was all happening for a reason. I knew that this was all happening to prepare for bigger, better things and as the weeks passed it became clear that those better things were coming to me in the form of educational success.

Right now I am going to enjoy the time that I have left, which is roughly a month. That’s one whole month sans responsibility, aside from the first instalment of rent and any other money related set backs, this is going to be a fairly relaxed month.

It is a shame about my personal life taking so many hits this summer, I feel like everything that meant something to me has just disappeared and it has left me feeling rather empty at times, but life is all about balance and after my educational track record, it’s about time things went right in that department.

I’m not going to dwell on the bad stuff right now, I need to look at everything as a clean slate and focus on the excitement of starting over.

I’m rather sick of feeling negative, so hopefully my personal life picks up a little, but I’m sure everything will work out for the best as long as I keep a positive attitude about everything.

Here’s to starting over,

XOXO

Hannah.

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When The Days Feel Like Weeks…

This current stage of my life is the most awkward so far. Usually, I have a purpose, something to keep my focus on — this could be professionally or personally — but right now there’s nothing.

I am playing the waiting game and it feels never ending. By this waiting game, I mean in between knowing my options and waiting for my exam results. All of my exams results and certificates should be through by this coming Thursday, but I’d be lying if I said I was handling this well.

The people around me have noticed it (although that isn’t many people most of the time as everyone is very busy), I haven’t been myself, I can’t stop stressing about it and it’s causing me to get angry over the most stupid things. This stress is affecting me in regards to my energy and appetite, it’s causing me to eat crap and although it’s had no effect on my weight, it’s making me feel crap inside.

I miss going out and enjoying myself, but I am rarely in the mood to leave the house because I’m too worried about what my future holds to think about right now.

It feels like I’m the only one left waiting for my results which leaves me to fear that even if I do get the results I want that it may be first come first serve and that I may still be left without my desired place.

I’m not sure exactly how it works and maybe that’s why I’m worrying about this more than I should, but I honestly don’t know if I am. I have worked so hard to get here and I don’t know if I can handle any more disappointment that I have recently received.

For anyone reading this, I apologise for being so depressing, but in order to let go of some of this stress and worry, I need to share it. The more I share on here, the less it’s bottled up in my mind and maybe it will help me take back a little bit of my sanity — if there’s any left.

With less than a week to go, I will try to get out of the house more and take my mind off of it until it’s here.

Wish me luck!

XO

Hannah.

Pack Up Your Troubles

My idea of packing is procrastinating by becoming re-acquainted with all of the belongings that had slowly lost their use, but still meant enough to me to hoard over the years until now.

I am a naturally reflective person anyway, but when it comes to digging up everything in the room that I have grown up in it also makes me rather sad also. I feel like this is the end of an era, I am letting go of the past, but keeping my memories. This is not only a time to de-clutter and minimise the amount of belongings I have, it is also a time to tidy up my emotions; As I let go of things that I have held onto for many years for the wrong reasons, I am also letting go of those memories attached.

Obviously I will keep many things with high sentimental value, but I must also remember that the memories don’t necessarily live within those objects unless I let them, they live in my mind. It’s time to let go of anything that I am holding onto because I think it is a memory and realise that it truly is just an object.

My packing strategy is simple; I am keeping the things of high importance, luckily many things that hold sentimental value to me are conveniently the right size to fit in my diary — which has expanded in size profusely!

I try on all of my clothes and if in that moment I don’t feel comfortable in it, I know it isn’t something I will wear in the future and for that reason it goes straight in the boot sale pile.

As for books, I am not getting rid of any, I have sorted what is going to uni and what isn’t by matching the books to the moods I may feel while I am away or if the book would possibly be educational to me during my course.

I haven’t actually gotten much packing done due to the fact that anything else seems more interesting to me when I have something that needs to be done.

Part of my procrastination may be due to hunger or boredom, but a bigger part of me is doing this because I am saying goodbye to the house I grew up in and I am doing this slowly.

It feels like everything is changing all at once and I’m not quite sure what to focus on precisely. Both parents are moving/have moved, I’m not in the best place socially right now and I’m about to head to uni (which is a whole lot harder when you still don’t know exactly where you are going).

I cannot quite pinpoint exactly what is stressing me out the most, but I know that soon enough everything will be happening all at once and there will be no time to focus on one single thing.

It feels like I’m in some kind of weird limbo where part of me is waiting for things to happen and the other part of me is afraid of everything that’s right around the corner. I don’t know which way is up and that’s why I’m choosing a Netflix coma over any sort of reality — until my own reality hits me in about a month’s time.

This post is probably rather vague and I hope you’re all just as confused as my emotions are right now.

Until next time (hopefully sooner than later),

XOXO

Han.

Enough Is Enough!

I am fed up of waking up every day and immediately feeling like crap, I eat to make myself feel better and I’m hungry again almost instantly, I eat sugar for energy and still find myself feeling exhausted and now I know why.

My eating habits are far from terrible, but they are still the problem. It’s not that I’m eating the wrong things on purpose, it’s that everything I eat is a trick.

After watching a documentary on Netflix called Fed Up, I learned that sugar is in more products than I could ever imagine.

I’m one of those people that never buys low-fat products anyway and now I’m glad didn’t as it turns out they are only full of more sugar to make up for the ‘less fat’. I do opt for biscuits more often than I should and that has to stop. Not only am I going to cut out biscuits, I am going to try and avoid sugar as much as possible.

Feeling ill a lot is not something that I enjoy and if sugar is the cause of this, I am kissing sugar goodbye as I would much rather have my health. With health comes energy, naturally bringing back lost motivation and I sure do miss my motivation.

I am also switching from normal tea to green tea for a while to see if it has a positive effect on my body. I like herbal teas anyway, so this isn’t much of a loss to me, just an experiment that could possibly have a very positive outcome.

I can and I will live without sugar, I need more fruit and vegetables anyway. My body craves veggies, I just wish they lasted longer.

Here’s to a healthier, more motivated me!

XOXO

Hannah Banana.

Stuck In The Middle

First of all, I’d like to apologise for my absence and tell you all that I have no excuse whatsoever. Unless abandoning my own thoughts counts as a good excuse.

I, since returning from holiday last week, haven’t been doing much with my time. Leaving the house twice during the day this week was as productive as I got and I’m not sorry.

This past week I have found myself in a slump, the realisation that I have nothing to do for the next two months hit me hard and I have been feeling a little isolated from the world.

Usually, if I found myself with little to do I would pop to town for a little retail therapy or see my friends, but they are either away on their own adventures or busy at work.

This has given me time to catch up on almost every TV show that I’d forgotten about and led me to actually start using Pinterest correctly; Pinterest led me to once again look at tattoo ideas for my rib cage and it’s safe to say I have found/altered a design that I will definitely be getting on my skin in the hopefully near future.

I am now dealing with the anxiety of waiting around for the results that confirm my place at my desired university, this is driving my crazy and will continue to tangle my brain for the next month until I get these results.

If I don’t get the results that I need I will still be going to university, this will either involve me figuring out how clearing works (seriously, what?!) or accepting the fact that fate wanted me to take my unconditional offer instead.

It’s all very good discussing this now, but I am not going to let it torture me until results day, I have to find a way to forget, a distraction to take my mind off of this day until it arrives.

Having nothing to do has given me so much time to think, that I had too many posts in mind for my blog and instead of posting any of them, I opted for radio silence and this is me breaking that silence.

This gap between college and university is awkward, affecting me a little more than I expected and in a month or so I should hopefully feel ready to go and start the next three years of my life!

It’s great to be back, I love you all and I won’t leave you again (at least not until I have a mental breakdown).

XOXO

Hannah.

That’s That

This week (this Thursday to be exact) is finally my last day at college! After doing two years of sixth form and a year at college doing the complete wrong course for me, I found the one that was right and now I am about to finish that too.

A couple of days ago I got my final grade for the course I had been studying — Print-Based Media/Creative Media Production/Journalism — it has so many names that I have lost count, but the point is that I was very pleased with the grade I received.

I have proven to myself that I really can succeed if the challenge is within something that I am passionate about. As a person that always dreads the day I get educational results, I was positively shocked and I could feel the majority of my stress dissolving into the atmosphere around me.

Although I still have to wait until one result, this has certainly been a weight off and this grade has shown me that I did do the right thing in deciding to procrastinate in college for a further two years. I have used this time to figure my shit stuff out and then realise that University actually was a possibility for me.

Hitting slow-mo on going to University truly was a great decision for me because I have used the time that I would have been at University to get the ‘I’ve just turned 18, let’s go clubbing ALL THE  TIME’ behaviour out of the way and I will be going into this with a little more maturity and understanding of myself. Yes, I will still go out and drink, but it’ll be much more responsibly as I prefer a chilled evening with friends at the pub than clubbing until stupid o’clock anyway.

Stress will always exist because there is no way of me avoiding absolutely everything that stresses me out, but I am going to handle it in the best way possible and just stay positive about everything as much as I can.

For anyone out there that has absolutely no idea what they want to do with their life or their career; I can assure you that I have been there and everybody has their own timeline. Don’t jump into anything if you’re not ready and do things on your own terms, find yourself and everything else will fall into place.

You, reader, just peeked into my brain.

see you next time!

XOXO

Hannah.

Beauty: Coming Soon To BareMinerals – Blemish Remedy Acne-Clearing Foundation

As some of you already know, I went to LA back in March and while I was there (as well as all the exploring) I did some shopping.

I was on a mission for BareMinerals as I am already loyal to their products and knew I could get them cheaper while in the U.S. What I didn’t know was that there would be a few exclusive products that weren’t available in the UK.

I discovered two products that I knew I couldn’t get back home.

One of the products was a miniature version of the BareSkin Perfecting Veil in Light/Medium, this came with a miniature brush and both products came in their own little clear BareEscentuals bag.image

The second product was like a dream come true for me. Anyone that has followed my previous posts will know that I have very difficult and sensitive skin, it reacts to so many products and that’s one of the main reasons that I trust BareMinerals. My skin doesn’t reject BareMinerals because the products are natural, no matter how many products I try, I always end up going back to trusty BareMinerals!

After discovering that this next product existed I was in awe. As a girl with spot-prone skin, when I discovered that there was in fact a BLEMISH REMEDY FOUNDATION, I lost it. After doing a colour test I found that I was (of course) the lightest shade ‘Clearly Porcelain 01’. I went to purchase it, only to find that my shade was out of stock and naturally I tried to get the next shade up, also unavailable. This was just my luck.

The assistant then tried another colour test and discovered that the third shade ‘Clearly Cream 03’ actually fit my skin tone also. I then purchased this product and was over the moon with my new * ~ MaGicAl FoUnDaTiOn ~ * It wasn’t until getting home and doing a little research that I realised I should have purchased way more while I had the chance.

It turns out that the foundation was not only exclusive to the U.S. but it was exclusive to Sephora. Even the U.S. BareMinerals doesn’t stock it!

When I got back home I wanted to try Complexion Rescue as it had just released to UK stores, so I went to my local BareMinerals within Debenhams to get a tester (this was a liquid and I wanted to make sure my skin was ok with the product prior to purchasing). After I got my tester, I showed the woman at the BareMinerals stand the products that I picked up in the U.S.

About a week or two later after trying and loving Complexion Rescue, I went back to buy it. The woman was excited to see me and tell me the just the day before, her manager had shown her that the Blemish Remedy Foundation is a product that will be released to the UK soon! She didn’t know exactly when, but I’m sure after the hype of Complexion Remedy dies down, it will be time to unveil Blemish Remedy to the UK stores.

I’m so glad that I got to try the product before it had even released to the UK, because I know that I love it already. I have the product in the ‘Clearly Cream 03’ shade, but as soon as it is released I will get my true shade of ‘Clearly Porcelain 01’.

I can’t wait for this to hit the UK and would recommend the product to anyone with acne prone skin.

What exactly is it?

It is a loose powder foundation, it comes in a different pot to your usual BareMinerals foundations. The foundation is released through a mesh-type layer, this minimises wasting of the product and keeps you from putting too much on your face.

If you have previously tried the Blemish Remedy powder solution, this foundation is basically an advanced version of that as a foundation. It does what it says in the name, it is an acne clearing foundation!

For anyone else that has already tried Blemish Remedy Foundation – What did you think of it?

I shall discuss my thoughts on Complexion Rescue soon.

XOXO

Hannah.

Let’s Talk About Body Image.

For as long as I remember, I have compared myself to others. This was not a thing that I chose to do but more of a natural instinct. This probably stemmed from something I saw in a magazine, TV or even overhearing kids in the playground, more mature than me, making snarky comments.

It has taken me two decades to love my body the way it is and realise that comparison to others just breeds eternal misery. If one person doesn’t like your body, who cares? There will always be a person that loves every inch of you, just the way you are.

I used to find confidence in some celebrities that had very similar body types to me, but as they got older, the majority of them got implants of some kind and the list of natural and petite celebrities narrowed down to just a handful. What I did take from idolising these women was the fact that they were loved long before they had implants, what I didn’t particularly like was the fact that they all eventually got them anyway.

After watching almost every celebrity join the crowd, I realised that these are not people to look up to. Yes, it is their body and they can do whatever the hell they want with it, but I feel that the media shouldn’t glamourise their surgeries or shame them, they should ignore them completely. If nobody was to bat an eyelid at surgery, it wouldn’t be so popular and this would result in actual natural celebrities, people that we could once again look up to as body role models.

When I say role models, I do not mean that we should aspire to have bodies like them, but we would be able to see that everybody is beautiful in the shape they were given. A happy woman that is confident in their own skin, now that’s a role model.

I want society to be less fucked up, so that young girls can grow up feeling happy in their own skin and skip all of the self-doubt that almost every girl (myself included) feels from childhood through to their adult life.

You are all beautiful,

XOXO

Hannah.

P.s. If my sister is reading this; You are perfect the way you are, own it.

Don’t worry, be happy

Ever feel like you put so much effort into something and get nothing back? That’s how I feel after this month and I am now in fear that I am doing the same for this upcoming month too.

Those of you that have me on social media sites will know that I’ve been in a bad mood all week and it’s because I am trapped right now.

I had been counting down for the end of the month, put that date on a pedestal as it were the answer to my problems, because initially it was.

The end of the month was supposed to be the end to my financial difficulty and instead it appears I have worked all month for nothing.

While waiting for a miracle to happen I have been trying to take my mind off this issue with my final major project at college.

I had this idea to analyse the way music makes us feel, how we have specific emotions linked to songs that act almost as a soundtrack to a particular memory. Focusing on this idea has kept me in my own little world, that and my Netflix addiction, which is at an all time high!

While I feel angry, betrayed and exhausted from working for nothing, I know I need to focus on all the positives.

Positivity is key and I have a lot to look forward to. I have university, where is a question of the outcome of my upcoming exams — this is more stress, but I will have a university to go to regardless of my results, thanks to a lucky unconditional offer to fall back on.

I finished Paper Towns and will probably be reviewing that soon and discussing my view on how they are adapting this to the screen.

I have managed to watch almost FIVE SEASONS of The Vampire Diaries which I started watching just before I went to LA at the start of March. Although I am busy, I may have replaced sleep with Netflix to get to where I am in the programme. I am doing this for a reason and that reason is to get up to date in order to write about it for the online magazine in which I write for.

I am not sure what I am going to do about my current financial situation because I am quite frankly struggling now and it’s infuriating as I put all my time and energy in for practically nothing.

So that’s where I’m at right now, just thought I’d update you before I post about other various things!

If anyone else is struggling with the same situation as me, I suggest you focus on the positives too and remember that you’re letting them win if they’re getting you down!

Peace out my darlings,

XOXO

Hannah.

LA Baby!

Hey everyone!

I haven’t posted in ages and I have no excuse. This time last week I had already returned from LA and was probably getting over the last of my jet lag.

I’ve always wanted to go to America, felt a pull towards the country as a whole. I felt I would fit in better there than I do in England and I’m pretty sure that feeling had proven to be right after my visit. I felt more at home away from my home country!

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This was initially an educational trip, we visited places linked to our course of study. I study Creative Media Production/Print Based Media, which covers pretty much all media platforms and I, personally am focusing my career path towards journalism or film studies. The places we visited were perfect for my current course and possible future career, we went to Los Angeles Times and Los Angeles Magazine where we got to see what it’s like to actually work in that environment. They were currently working towards publishing deadlines, which gave us a chance to see a real and working newsroom in all its glory.

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We went to Venice Beach, Olvera Street, Santa Monica and obviously, Hollywood.

Everywhere we went was breathtaking, each location was different and full of character. I loved Venice Beach and I can’t illustrate exactly what it was like there because it changed at every turn! While wondering across the beautiful mix of sand and skateparks, a few others and I discovered a basketball game being reported by William Baldwin. – I tried searching the internet and found nothing, so I have no clue if it was an important game.

Just a pathway away from the basketball game there was a film crew setting up for what appeared to be some sort of dance movie, it was probably for a really popular one but I don’t particularly watch them (they’re all the same to me).

When we went to Olvera Street it felt like we had stepped into a new country within the country, it was full of history and felt very sacred. It is the oldest part of downtown Los Angeles and everything about it felt historical, this place was all about tradition. It amazed me that one part of LA could be so very different to another.

Next we went to Hollywood which consisted of studio visits and all the tourist-esque things expected from a trip like this. We did the Warner Bros. VIP Studio Tour and the Universal Tram Tour.

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I basically lost it when we went to Warner Bros. as it is the home of Pretty Little Liars. We walked around the outdoor sets of PLL; Rosewood High School, Hollis College, Most of Rosewood really. We didn’t go in the actually sound stage BECAUSE THEY WERE FILMING THAT DAY, I am amazed that I kept it together at all and didn’t have some kind of fan-fueled breakdown. Universal Studios was awesome too, with all the Back to the Future cars and Jurassic Park!

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I loved the tours more than the rides because it was great to get a real understanding of everything that goes into creating films, learning studio secrets and camera tricks. Me being me, I purchased just the right amount of merchandise, but I definitely could have got more!! (Someone take me back, I need the rest of the Pretty Little Liars merchandise section!).

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We had one full day exploring actual Hollywood, shopping a little (my money went on Victoria’s Secret and Sephora that day) and then we had dinner at the Hard Rock Café (where I obviously got a t-shirt).

I loved Hollywood, the studios were better for me as it felt more personal and I gained knowledge. Hollywood was good for photographing your favourite star on the walk of fame and they were setting up a red carpet that day which was interesting to see.

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On our last day we went to Santa Monica, it was a lovely place and I spent most of my time shopping and attempting to explore (harder to do when you have to stay in a group). I got some beautiful pictures, but the memories of being there are better. We didn’t have as long as I hoped in Santa Monica, but I managed to go in a fair few shops and pick up a Bloomingdale’s bag!

We then had a nice long plane ride home.

All-in-all it was a lovely trip, I love America, I love everything about it and it felt like home. Maybe one day it will be my home, but that’s another story for another day.

Currently feeling the blues of being back, but I visited my future University yesterday (my second visit) and I am 100% sure that De Montfort is the place for me. I have my place, it’s just a waiting game now. I have so many plans, hopes, dreams for the future and I look forward to sharing more of my journey with all of you.

Thanks for taking the time to read me rambling on and on, I love you guys.

XOXO

Hannah.