That’s That

This week (this Thursday to be exact) is finally my last day at college! After doing two years of sixth form and a year at college doing the complete wrong course for me, I found the one that was right and now I am about to finish that too.

A couple of days ago I got my final grade for the course I had been studying — Print-Based Media/Creative Media Production/Journalism — it has so many names that I have lost count, but the point is that I was very pleased with the grade I received.

I have proven to myself that I really can succeed if the challenge is within something that I am passionate about. As a person that always dreads the day I get educational results, I was positively shocked and I could feel the majority of my stress dissolving into the atmosphere around me.

Although I still have to wait until one result, this has certainly been a weight off and this grade has shown me that I did do the right thing in deciding to procrastinate in college for a further two years. I have used this time to figure my shit stuff out and then realise that University actually was a possibility for me.

Hitting slow-mo on going to University truly was a great decision for me because I have used the time that I would have been at University to get the ‘I’ve just turned 18, let’s go clubbing ALL THE  TIME’ behaviour out of the way and I will be going into this with a little more maturity and understanding of myself. Yes, I will still go out and drink, but it’ll be much more responsibly as I prefer a chilled evening with friends at the pub than clubbing until stupid o’clock anyway.

Stress will always exist because there is no way of me avoiding absolutely everything that stresses me out, but I am going to handle it in the best way possible and just stay positive about everything as much as I can.

For anyone out there that has absolutely no idea what they want to do with their life or their career; I can assure you that I have been there and everybody has their own timeline. Don’t jump into anything if you’re not ready and do things on your own terms, find yourself and everything else will fall into place.

You, reader, just peeked into my brain.

see you next time!

XOXO

Hannah.

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Learning curve…

This past month I have been very alone, it hasn’t been great but it has taught me a few things.

Being alone has made me realise what I want, my heart is still set where it was before and I don’t think that will be changing very soon, but now I know that I definitely want University and will pursue that no matter what. I can have feelings for someone and that will not change, how they feel is what matters, but I cannot wait forever to find out. I will feel what I feel, but I cannot let those feelings stop me from working towards a future career.

I am in a place where I know what I need to do next year and I have to follow this plan no matter what, my feelings are clear but his are unreliable and I know that as soon as his confusion becomes clear it will make everything much simpler.

If he were to come back and realise that he wants me, he would realise that I have grown from us being apart, I have used this time away to focus on my personal issues and I know that if he were around me right now that he would notice that.

I saw a quote the other day that read;

“Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground.”

― Kyoko Escamilla

This quote is probably a good explanation of the frame of mind that I imagine he is in at this moment in time and if he thinks that being with me will get in the way of that, fine, but if he wants to be with me he can still be selfish because I am going to be selfish too. I am going to University, I will go travelling — maybe before Uni, maybe after — but I can be selfish and still love him, nothing will change that.

I am on a path of self discovery and being alone has helped, but if I were to find myself with his company again it would be great because I know that this time it would be different.

Peace,

H.