When The Days Feel Like Weeks…

This current stage of my life is the most awkward so far. Usually, I have a purpose, something to keep my focus on — this could be professionally or personally — but right now there’s nothing.

I am playing the waiting game and it feels never ending. By this waiting game, I mean in between knowing my options and waiting for my exam results. All of my exams results and certificates should be through by this coming Thursday, but I’d be lying if I said I was handling this well.

The people around me have noticed it (although that isn’t many people most of the time as everyone is very busy), I haven’t been myself, I can’t stop stressing about it and it’s causing me to get angry over the most stupid things. This stress is affecting me in regards to my energy and appetite, it’s causing me to eat crap and although it’s had no effect on my weight, it’s making me feel crap inside.

I miss going out and enjoying myself, but I am rarely in the mood to leave the house because I’m too worried about what my future holds to think about right now.

It feels like I’m the only one left waiting for my results which leaves me to fear that even if I do get the results I want that it may be first come first serve and that I may still be left without my desired place.

I’m not sure exactly how it works and maybe that’s why I’m worrying about this more than I should, but I honestly don’t know if I am. I have worked so hard to get here and I don’t know if I can handle any more disappointment that I have recently received.

For anyone reading this, I apologise for being so depressing, but in order to let go of some of this stress and worry, I need to share it. The more I share on here, the less it’s bottled up in my mind and maybe it will help me take back a little bit of my sanity — if there’s any left.

With less than a week to go, I will try to get out of the house more and take my mind off of it until it’s here.

Wish me luck!

XO

Hannah.

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Pack Up Your Troubles

My idea of packing is procrastinating by becoming re-acquainted with all of the belongings that had slowly lost their use, but still meant enough to me to hoard over the years until now.

I am a naturally reflective person anyway, but when it comes to digging up everything in the room that I have grown up in it also makes me rather sad also. I feel like this is the end of an era, I am letting go of the past, but keeping my memories. This is not only a time to de-clutter and minimise the amount of belongings I have, it is also a time to tidy up my emotions; As I let go of things that I have held onto for many years for the wrong reasons, I am also letting go of those memories attached.

Obviously I will keep many things with high sentimental value, but I must also remember that the memories don’t necessarily live within those objects unless I let them, they live in my mind. It’s time to let go of anything that I am holding onto because I think it is a memory and realise that it truly is just an object.

My packing strategy is simple; I am keeping the things of high importance, luckily many things that hold sentimental value to me are conveniently the right size to fit in my diary — which has expanded in size profusely!

I try on all of my clothes and if in that moment I don’t feel comfortable in it, I know it isn’t something I will wear in the future and for that reason it goes straight in the boot sale pile.

As for books, I am not getting rid of any, I have sorted what is going to uni and what isn’t by matching the books to the moods I may feel while I am away or if the book would possibly be educational to me during my course.

I haven’t actually gotten much packing done due to the fact that anything else seems more interesting to me when I have something that needs to be done.

Part of my procrastination may be due to hunger or boredom, but a bigger part of me is doing this because I am saying goodbye to the house I grew up in and I am doing this slowly.

It feels like everything is changing all at once and I’m not quite sure what to focus on precisely. Both parents are moving/have moved, I’m not in the best place socially right now and I’m about to head to uni (which is a whole lot harder when you still don’t know exactly where you are going).

I cannot quite pinpoint exactly what is stressing me out the most, but I know that soon enough everything will be happening all at once and there will be no time to focus on one single thing.

It feels like I’m in some kind of weird limbo where part of me is waiting for things to happen and the other part of me is afraid of everything that’s right around the corner. I don’t know which way is up and that’s why I’m choosing a Netflix coma over any sort of reality — until my own reality hits me in about a month’s time.

This post is probably rather vague and I hope you’re all just as confused as my emotions are right now.

Until next time (hopefully sooner than later),

XOXO

Han.

Status

Although in this current moment in time I feel as though I may be fine, I know that in the future I will look back and see these as dark, poisonous days and that time when I lost my way.

Now the New Year can begin.

Getting a new diary is a liberating moment. It may be a little late, but today I got my 2015 paperblanks diary and it felt like I was letting go of all of last year’s drama. Letting go of all the previous pages and starting fresh, this year is a blank canvas and I have the right to decorate it however I like.

It took me a while to get this diary as I was searching for the one I had seen before Christmas. It wasn’t available anymore except online for a lot more money.
This one is a little bigger than last years, but beautiful nonetheless.

I have a good feeling about this year. Like I said, I have a blank canvas and I’m sure it will look magnificent whatever the outcome.
Last year will now be seen as a pile of doodles, practice runs for whatever the future holds.

With 2014 placed in my bedside table, I can say with confidence that I am truly ready for what 2015 has in offer for me (and I hope it involves Hoverboards and flying Deloreans!).

Hope everyone has had a great start to the new year,

XOXO

Hannah.

It’s time

There are some things that are out of my control, like the speed a letter can arrive or teleportation and I need to stop fretting over these things and just get on with it.

It’s time to focus on me, get my shit together and gain inner strength.

If I cannot love myself, how can I expect another to love me and even if they do, it would surely impact them to see me in a more positive light.

It’s time for me to be selfish, focus on my own goals and create a mindset that involves less negativity.

I shall start by reducing my sugar intake. I know that eating the amount of sugar that I have is the root to why my skin is so bad, so why do I choose to ignore that fact and sabotage myself? Enough of this, with the amount of drinking that I do, I certainly don’t need to destroy myself in other ways too.

This takes me to my next step which is to actually, like — really reduce my drinking. I have actually done really well this month and have only gone out once so far, if I could just stick to this every month it will not only benefit my liver but also my purse!

Once I find a good balance and eventually regain the energy levels that I have been lacking recently I can start going to the gym regularly again. I know that having no energy is no excuse for lack of exercise but I have literally been feeling like the life has been taken out of me, run down and unable to function. Once I get out of this funk (which may involve a change in diet) I can start gymming regularly again and actually enjoy it!

I am already on the right track to being in the right frame of mind, I am still going crazy over things that are completely out of my control and I feel destroyed inside, but focusing on everything else is really helping.

Focusing on College work and applying for University has really taken my mind off things and if I stick to this not only will my grades be better, but I will have made a real start progressing to University too. Yes, I will still feel destroyed inside, but I will have other things to focus on and when the time comes I will gain clarity of the things that are really messing with my head as of present.

This is basically a huge to-do list of how to fix myself for the better, it will only work if I stick to it and my life will better because of it.

Sometimes you have to wait for things, but theres no point in moping around and wasting precious time. I am not getting any younger, time is still turning and I cannot put my future on hold, if anything this is the push that I need.

If it’s meant to be, it will be and I will just have to wait and see what happens.

Peace & Love,

XOXO

Hannah.

Take me back to sweet Paris!

As I look back on these past few months, I wish I had my very own Fluxxing Delorean. Since I getting back from Paris, everything went downhill. I lost all care in anything because I no longer had the thing that I cared about the most.

Although I am feeling better than I was, there are still parts of me that want to go back, Paris was the last time that I was actually properly happy. If it wasn’t for my friends these past few months, I don’t know where I would be.

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I feel like if I went back to Paris now, I could enjoy it differently, not caring about anything back home and just enjoy taking everything in.

Although I was with my friends in Paris, I found the Disney Dreams Show very romantic and wished that I had shared it with someone that I loved, I thought about seeing it with them while I watched it and at the time that made me happy. When I look back at that now, I should have just focused on it for myself and not thought about how much someone else would have enjoyed it. I should have enjoyed it for myself.

With holiday booked off around late July and nowhere to go, I can’t help but think about going to Paris alone and just getting lost in the city (mentally of course, not physically).

It will not happen though as it would be very sad to go to Paris, the city of romance, alone in the summer…

Hope you enjoyed a peek into my sad, lonely brain.

Normal posts will be up in the very near future.

XOXO

Hannah.

Fridays Purchases: Beauty/Just things

So on Friday I went to my local High Street for a little retail therapy (and some internet as I lost access for the past 2 days – hence the neglecting of my blog).

I was mainly on the search for a diary, I had seen one that I wanted in TKMAXX but sadly they were sold out. On my continued search for a diary I decided to go to Waterstones, which is where I found the most beautiful Paperblanks 2014 Diary!

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I fell in love with it, it was the last one and also being January sales, it was half price! Not £12.99, £6.49 — I was very pleased to have found this diary, along with it’s beautiful design and perfect size, it also has a small address book in it!

After finding this diary I decided to walk to Starbucks to get some lunch, but I popped into Topshop and bought myself one of the little gift card holders (I am aware that they are for gift cards, but they are leather and so cute that I wanted to use it for my normal day-to-day cards).

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I also bought a little eyeshadow from the Topshop make-up range and I shall do a separate post on that after I have used it at least once.

I then made my way to Starbucks where my friend Amy had just finished her shift! We ate lunch together and had some delicious beverages and I showed her my little purchases.

After a very, very long time in Starbucks she joined me on a little shop, we made our way to WHSmiths where we looked at some books and I purchased the new book by Cameron Diaz – The Body Book, I decided to purchase this book as it may hep me with some issues that I have with my appearance, I have always had them and it would be great if I could over come them, I may post about these issues in the future, possibly in depth or possibly just lightly touching on the subject — yet to decide.

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Amy was looking at the Kobo eReader and it was £29.99 instead of £60.00! So she had to buy it, I also wanted one but it was the last one. Once Amy had purchased the Kobo, we decided to go to the other Starbucks in the High Street to unwrap it, the more Amy unwrapped it, the more I wanted one!

When me and Amy had gone our separate ways and I was on my way home walking through town, I popped into The Body shop and I saw my friend Charley who works in there, she managed to sell me two products that in her words were hangover cures for the skin, so I purchased them and actually tried them out this evening.

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Both of these products are Vitamin C products.

The first product that I used was the Skin reviver, which I used yesterday before going out to dinner and the Cinema with my boyfriend, I used it as a primer after my Origins Ginzing Moisturiser and it smoothed out my skin nicely, I will definitely be using this product again as it felt extremely light on my face also.

I used the Microdermabrasion for the first time earlier this evening, I have actually never used one before and I must say it has made my skin feel so incredibly soft! I used my Origins Checks and Balances face wash, then the Microdermabrasion and finished with my Origins Ginzing Moisturiser. These worked well together because both of the products have Vitamin C in them.

I will definitely continue using these products because I have fallen in love with them already!

My last purchase that day was a dress from H&M which I wore later that evening, size 6, Chiffon material (I’m obsessed with Chiffon dresses). I wish I had taken a photo of my outfit before I went out last night so that you could see how great it looks on.

Following on from Amy’s purchase, tonight I actually purchased myself one of the Kobo eReaders myself, I ordered it in the Blue/White and cannot wait for it to arrive!

Love Hannah.

~ XOXO