Here I Am

Moving to university has been a lot to take in all at once, it’s like being thrown into the deep end before you’ve learned how to swim.

I’ve let the water pull me down a little recently in the sense that I haven’t been on my blog to post anything, not been able to sleep very well and also haven’t even been catching up on my tv shows!

I’ve been solely focusing on getting into my timetable routine and understanding exactly what needs to be done for my studies, how long it will take etc. that I haven’t actually been out as much as all of the other freshers. I have been going out, just not as much as other people and I’ve decided to focus less on drinking, more on learning.

I’m having a great time here, though, going out occasionally is much better for me than going out all the time. I am figuring out the balance and realising that I’m at the age where I don’t need to go out all the time. I actually prefer socialising with my flat-mates, going to the cinema and having lunches is much nicer.

I have been so mentally drained since moving here, I’ve had lots of reading to do and it took me about a week to unpack everything! I’m here now and I should be blogging back to normal once I have all of my different modules embedded in my brain.


Living alone is weird, but good weird.

The pros include things such as;

  • Knowing exactly how much food I have left all the time.
  • Knowing when I’m actually running out of things such as shampoo and shower gel.
  • Having long showers if I want them.

The cons include;

  • A fear that if I hurt myself badly, it may go unnoticed for days.
  • Doing my own laundry – although this actually feels very independent at the same time.
  • Having to cook dinner for yourself all the time – sometimes you just want to eat and not have to cook it first.

There are many other pros and cons, but these are the main ones in my eyes.


Unpacking and setting up my bedroom/bathroom was cool, everything in my room is a reflection of myself and is organised in a way that is accessible and tidy.

My attempt at photographing my room wasn’t the best, but here are some pictures of it nonetheless;

This is my attempt at a panoramic shot - it didn't go so well...

This is my attempt at a panoramic shot – it didn’t go so well…

Books and DVDs, the essentials of course...

Books and DVDs, the essentials of course…

Little pieces of me on my notice board, it actually looks a little different to this already.

Little pieces of me on my notice board, it actually looks a little different to this already.

The hallway is out there, maybe i'll show you guys the rest of the flat in another post.

The hallway is out there, maybe I’ll show you guys the rest of the flat in another post.

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Didn't realise how vital bathroom storage was until I was on my own...

Didn’t realise how vital bathroom storage was until I was on my own…

My large collection of expensive mugs and shot glasses...

My large collection of expensive mugs and shot glasses…


Leaving my hometown has given me the chance to really think about what I want in other areas of my life. I know that I should always trust my instincts and understand that everything is happening for a reason. What is meant to be always will be and sometimes we have to experience all the bad stuff to get to the good.

I have never lost faith in the things that matter to me most and I never will.

Speak soon, stay smiling,

XOXO

Hannah.

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Stuck In The Middle

First of all, I’d like to apologise for my absence and tell you all that I have no excuse whatsoever. Unless abandoning my own thoughts counts as a good excuse.

I, since returning from holiday last week, haven’t been doing much with my time. Leaving the house twice during the day this week was as productive as I got and I’m not sorry.

This past week I have found myself in a slump, the realisation that I have nothing to do for the next two months hit me hard and I have been feeling a little isolated from the world.

Usually, if I found myself with little to do I would pop to town for a little retail therapy or see my friends, but they are either away on their own adventures or busy at work.

This has given me time to catch up on almost every TV show that I’d forgotten about and led me to actually start using Pinterest correctly; Pinterest led me to once again look at tattoo ideas for my rib cage and it’s safe to say I have found/altered a design that I will definitely be getting on my skin in the hopefully near future.

I am now dealing with the anxiety of waiting around for the results that confirm my place at my desired university, this is driving my crazy and will continue to tangle my brain for the next month until I get these results.

If I don’t get the results that I need I will still be going to university, this will either involve me figuring out how clearing works (seriously, what?!) or accepting the fact that fate wanted me to take my unconditional offer instead.

It’s all very good discussing this now, but I am not going to let it torture me until results day, I have to find a way to forget, a distraction to take my mind off of this day until it arrives.

Having nothing to do has given me so much time to think, that I had too many posts in mind for my blog and instead of posting any of them, I opted for radio silence and this is me breaking that silence.

This gap between college and university is awkward, affecting me a little more than I expected and in a month or so I should hopefully feel ready to go and start the next three years of my life!

It’s great to be back, I love you all and I won’t leave you again (at least not until I have a mental breakdown).

XOXO

Hannah.

All too much

The last couple of weeks have been a struggle and I have found it hard to post anything on my blog. I have written countless drafts, those of which I felt were too honest or risky to share with the internet (or any of my readers that are close to home).

I have been stressing about everything from money problems to what the future holds for my education. I have put many feelings on hold to focus on other things and it’s messing with my mind. Half of my time I spend worrying about money, the other half I spend wishing I wasn’t so lonely.

Nobody talks about the emotions that come with the in-between months before university, not being able to hold anything too close to your heart because you know that it has to end prior to moving away. I have my friends, but that isn’t always enough. I feel I am restricted. I don’t want to be alone for seven months, but I don’t want a new relationship with someone. I am in a place where I am mentally and physically unprepared for anything new. I want what used to be, but an improved version — that’s what it would be — if I were to go back. Going back isn’t even a way to look at this, it would be the turning point.

Nothing could ever be as it was, I have used this alone time to become a better person. I learned a lot about myself and the way I used to be. The improved me would make for an incredible relationship. One that would be amazing but would never work in these seven months, not if it had to end. There is still a lot of growing to do, a lot of personal goals to achieve. It would be selfish to even consider anything right now.

I am all for achieving these goals, I am just not coping with the isolation that comes with it.

Just a snippet of my current tangled thoughts and emotions,

XOXO

Hannah.

Nice try Valentine’s Day…

This morning and for most of today I have been feeling sorry for myself just as many other singles are probably doing right this moment.

While sat on the sofa watching countless reruns of Friends I started to think about my friends. We are all feeling down today because society is celebrating couples, but what about friendship? I think all the singles out there shouldn’t be crying over not having a significant other, they should be counting themselves lucky for having found amazing pals whose love is worth so much more than a most-probably-going-to-end-in-a-few-months relationship.
I don’t like seeing my friends upset over men who thrive on playing with girls emotions — because let’s face it, that’s all they ever do.
I’m not standing for that anymore and neither should any other girl. If they want to confuse us and send us mixed messages, they will be playing their games alone and definitely not playing with us.
As I think back over the last few hours I notice that although I have spent it alone, I have saved money. I haven’t had to make an effort trying to impress anyone and I have been in comfort all day because of it.
I no longer feel negative about being alone on Valentine’s Day, I feel blessed.
I love you all and hope that whatever you are doing today is done with a smile on your face.
To all the singles out there:
You are amazing and you are only single because other people suck!
Ta-ta for now,
XOXO
Hannah Banana.
#GirlPower

If at first you don’t succeed…

What I have come to realise from the past few months is that it has become very easy for me to read people and understand when someone is worth your time.

Not everyone has the same goals and priorities, but when it comes down to caring for people and being there it should come as a natural instinct to drop the less important things or at least respond.

I am so over waiting around for people and wasting my precious time on people who wouldn’t do the same for me if the roles were reversed. I do not know how long I have to live and I certainly don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what on earth I was doing for a huge chunk of it.

Going to university is a big deal, but it’s also eight months ago. This means that I should still be focusing on right now and anyone that I spend time with should not be thinking of my time with them as one with an expiry date. I already know who I can and can’t count on and I am very happy with the friends that I have, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t make new ones. If the people I meet see me as the sort of person that will go away and completely forget about them they are surely mistaken. I make effort. If I care about you, I will make some form of contact with you and if you don’t reciprocate then I know where I stand.

Life is all about discovery, I am always discovering new things about myself, others and the way others see me. Sometimes these discoveries can be painful and sometimes they can be marvelous.

I am in a good place in my life and I know that I don’t have time for bullshit.

I will focus only on the positives and the people that make me truly happy.

Laters taters,

XOXO

Hannah.

Hello judgement

So a few days ago me and Amy C decided to make our first ever vlog, I can’t help but cringe at it, but everyone’s first vlog is embarrassing.

Our channel is Tea and Crumpets (Tea for Hannah and Amy’s nickname mixed together). We uploaded this for fun as we enjoyed filming it and have decided to do more vlogs in the future.

Although people will think we are stupid, I couldn’t care less. We enjoyed ourselves and if others enjoy it then that’s great, if not that’s cool, everyone is entitled to an opinion.

In this video we attempted to do the Duvet Burrito bed roll which Amy found on Scott Culley’s youtube channel.

It was a laugh to film and I hope you enjoy it.

(Sound is rather deep at the beginning and we have no idea why)…

Love, love, love

XOXO

Hannah.

Sorry :)

Hey guys, I apologise for my absence but I have been super busy with everything from going out too much (yes, I didn’t stick to my plan), to seeing my friends and living in the pages of prospectuses.

I have been going out a lot, but i’ve been staying at my friend’s houses more than I have been out.

These last couple of weeks I have spent more time at Beth and Amy C’s houses than my own and it’s been great. Staying busy takes my mind off of the fact that I am miserable and it is helping.

In this time I have been Netflixing and having girly sleepovers with my girls, we did the Ice Bucket Challenge on Tuesday, which was a laugh.

I have had no money all month, so I have tried not to venture into town and spend as little as possible, which has worked but I won’t see any results as I have a large sum of money to pay to college as soon as I go back.

I have been saving a £20 note in my room for last few weeks for a charity meal that I am going to tomorrow and have done so well not to spend it!

Everything is draining me and I won’t be going out much next month apart from a few nights that we already have planned out as my main focus for the upcoming month will be getting back into the swing of college and having everything organised so that I can do better this year.

I also need to get my butt back into the gym as I have been too busy to go recently, but this will change and I will make a time slot for the gym at least once a week.

I will be blogging normally again starting from this post, watch this space.

Love ya,

XOXO

Hannah.

Take me back to sweet Paris!

As I look back on these past few months, I wish I had my very own Fluxxing Delorean. Since I getting back from Paris, everything went downhill. I lost all care in anything because I no longer had the thing that I cared about the most.

Although I am feeling better than I was, there are still parts of me that want to go back, Paris was the last time that I was actually properly happy. If it wasn’t for my friends these past few months, I don’t know where I would be.

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I feel like if I went back to Paris now, I could enjoy it differently, not caring about anything back home and just enjoy taking everything in.

Although I was with my friends in Paris, I found the Disney Dreams Show very romantic and wished that I had shared it with someone that I loved, I thought about seeing it with them while I watched it and at the time that made me happy. When I look back at that now, I should have just focused on it for myself and not thought about how much someone else would have enjoyed it. I should have enjoyed it for myself.

With holiday booked off around late July and nowhere to go, I can’t help but think about going to Paris alone and just getting lost in the city (mentally of course, not physically).

It will not happen though as it would be very sad to go to Paris, the city of romance, alone in the summer…

Hope you enjoyed a peek into my sad, lonely brain.

Normal posts will be up in the very near future.

XOXO

Hannah.

TV villains aren’t real life villains!!

Just a quick rant;

This is to do with a certain Pretty Little Liars actor, so if you aren’t up to date — SPOILER ALERT!! (don’t scroll below Hanna Marin).

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So as anyone up to date with Pretty Little Liars would know, Ezra is ‘A’ — Maybe?

Anyway, I have noticed a huge amount of hate towards Ian Harding (who plays Ezra).

Everywhere I look at Pretty Little Liars; Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Facebook… there are ‘fans’ who must be deluded as they cannot face that Ezra is just a character, Ian is not Ezra in real life.

It’s the same thing with Mona, when she was revealed everyone was saying how they hate her and that she should die, and I mean seriously?! THEY ARE CHARACTERS.

People need to get their heads out of the clouds and realise that these are REAL PEOPLE, and they may not respond, but I’m sure they still see the hate and it must feel horrible.

– Rant over –

Hannah.

~ XOXO