A Little Bit Longer

In exactly two weeks I will be moving to Leicester in preparation for Fresher’s Week and studying at De Montfort University.

I’m still amazed that something actually went my way academically, after all the bad luck I’ve had in that area, part of me was expecting the worst.

Nonetheless here I am, preparing for one of the biggest changes in my life so far and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. The anxiety I feel is mainly about friendships; I’m worried about drifting apart from people while they are wrapped up I their own things, I feel I may get left behind. Like the dust left behind when a car shoots off into the distance.

I’m taking forever to pack, mainly because I am not only packing things for uni, but I’m packing my bedroom away and saying goodbye forever to the room that I grew up in.

It’s partly the disturbance of objects that have been in one place for so long that is making me sad and also my attempt at throwing things out. I find myself going through everything and reminiscing, everything I have come across so far has had memories attached, making it that little bit harder to throw said things away.

I need to get a shimmy on with all this packing now and just let go of anything holding me back, now is the time to clear out and allow myself space for new objects with new memories.

As the weeks pass, I’m becoming more and more ready to move. I’m ready for this new chapter, to start over with my personal life. Living three hours from home is a pretty good way to start over too.

I’m obviously going to come home and visit, because I’ve got to see the lovely people back home still, haven’t I?

I will miss my friends and family at home, but it will be nice to get a sense of true independence.

Time to get my pack on!

Speak soon,

XOXO

Hannah.

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Stuck In The Middle

First of all, I’d like to apologise for my absence and tell you all that I have no excuse whatsoever. Unless abandoning my own thoughts counts as a good excuse.

I, since returning from holiday last week, haven’t been doing much with my time. Leaving the house twice during the day this week was as productive as I got and I’m not sorry.

This past week I have found myself in a slump, the realisation that I have nothing to do for the next two months hit me hard and I have been feeling a little isolated from the world.

Usually, if I found myself with little to do I would pop to town for a little retail therapy or see my friends, but they are either away on their own adventures or busy at work.

This has given me time to catch up on almost every TV show that I’d forgotten about and led me to actually start using Pinterest correctly; Pinterest led me to once again look at tattoo ideas for my rib cage and it’s safe to say I have found/altered a design that I will definitely be getting on my skin in the hopefully near future.

I am now dealing with the anxiety of waiting around for the results that confirm my place at my desired university, this is driving my crazy and will continue to tangle my brain for the next month until I get these results.

If I don’t get the results that I need I will still be going to university, this will either involve me figuring out how clearing works (seriously, what?!) or accepting the fact that fate wanted me to take my unconditional offer instead.

It’s all very good discussing this now, but I am not going to let it torture me until results day, I have to find a way to forget, a distraction to take my mind off of this day until it arrives.

Having nothing to do has given me so much time to think, that I had too many posts in mind for my blog and instead of posting any of them, I opted for radio silence and this is me breaking that silence.

This gap between college and university is awkward, affecting me a little more than I expected and in a month or so I should hopefully feel ready to go and start the next three years of my life!

It’s great to be back, I love you all and I won’t leave you again (at least not until I have a mental breakdown).

XOXO

Hannah.

All too much

The last couple of weeks have been a struggle and I have found it hard to post anything on my blog. I have written countless drafts, those of which I felt were too honest or risky to share with the internet (or any of my readers that are close to home).

I have been stressing about everything from money problems to what the future holds for my education. I have put many feelings on hold to focus on other things and it’s messing with my mind. Half of my time I spend worrying about money, the other half I spend wishing I wasn’t so lonely.

Nobody talks about the emotions that come with the in-between months before university, not being able to hold anything too close to your heart because you know that it has to end prior to moving away. I have my friends, but that isn’t always enough. I feel I am restricted. I don’t want to be alone for seven months, but I don’t want a new relationship with someone. I am in a place where I am mentally and physically unprepared for anything new. I want what used to be, but an improved version — that’s what it would be — if I were to go back. Going back isn’t even a way to look at this, it would be the turning point.

Nothing could ever be as it was, I have used this alone time to become a better person. I learned a lot about myself and the way I used to be. The improved me would make for an incredible relationship. One that would be amazing but would never work in these seven months, not if it had to end. There is still a lot of growing to do, a lot of personal goals to achieve. It would be selfish to even consider anything right now.

I am all for achieving these goals, I am just not coping with the isolation that comes with it.

Just a snippet of my current tangled thoughts and emotions,

XOXO

Hannah.

Permission to be excited?

I am counting the days until I get to see many people that I love very much– aside from the deadlines for college, I cannot wait for next week and the weeks that follow afterwards.

My closest friends are either coming home from University or important trips. I am looking forward to spending time with them and making the most of their presence until they go back to their studies and busy lives.

I plan to have various coffee dates, cinema trips and nights out on the lead up to the new year. It has been far too long since I have seen some of these people and it will do me some good to reconnect with them.

Each and every one of them should know who they are and if it wasn’t clear enough before (if they are reading this) they should know that I love them all very much and cannot wait to see them!

I will use the rest of my days prior to their returns to focus on finishing my work and getting it submitted in time.

Looking forward to spending some quality time with these beautiful people!

Love you all ❤

XOXO,

Hannah.

Learning curve…

This past month I have been very alone, it hasn’t been great but it has taught me a few things.

Being alone has made me realise what I want, my heart is still set where it was before and I don’t think that will be changing very soon, but now I know that I definitely want University and will pursue that no matter what. I can have feelings for someone and that will not change, how they feel is what matters, but I cannot wait forever to find out. I will feel what I feel, but I cannot let those feelings stop me from working towards a future career.

I am in a place where I know what I need to do next year and I have to follow this plan no matter what, my feelings are clear but his are unreliable and I know that as soon as his confusion becomes clear it will make everything much simpler.

If he were to come back and realise that he wants me, he would realise that I have grown from us being apart, I have used this time away to focus on my personal issues and I know that if he were around me right now that he would notice that.

I saw a quote the other day that read;

“Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground.”

― Kyoko Escamilla

This quote is probably a good explanation of the frame of mind that I imagine he is in at this moment in time and if he thinks that being with me will get in the way of that, fine, but if he wants to be with me he can still be selfish because I am going to be selfish too. I am going to University, I will go travelling — maybe before Uni, maybe after — but I can be selfish and still love him, nothing will change that.

I am on a path of self discovery and being alone has helped, but if I were to find myself with his company again it would be great because I know that this time it would be different.

Peace,

H.

Hello old friend.

The past few weeks I have been getting really nasty migraines and they have been getting worse and worse as the month progresses. Having these migraines have left me feeling very worn down and unable to function properly when I really need to.

It wasn’t until Saturday, when I had an actual real day off (no college, no work, no social engagements — at least until the evening) that I realised how important it was to get a decent night’s sleep every now and again.

On Friday night I basically passed out from the pain of my migraine from 4pm-8pm and then was awoken by a phone call from my friend, right after the phone call I fell straight back to sleep again and didn’t wake up until about 8am (ish) the next morning. My migraine wasn’t completely gone but it felt amazing to have had over 8 hours sleep and I wish I could do it more often, sadly there just aren’t enough hours in the day.

Sometime soon I will get into a relatively normal sleep routine and it will really pay off, as for right now I am still trying to find that perfect balance — which is very hard when your mind is constantly spinning at a million miles a minute.

In order to find this perfect balance I need to be able to get a fair amount of college work done, read a few books, blog more, vlog more, sleep more and work (all whilst actually enjoying myself and going out once in a while, instead of being in a very intense relationship with my Netflix account).

Love you all and until next time, Goodnight.

XOXO

Hannah.

It’s time

There are some things that are out of my control, like the speed a letter can arrive or teleportation and I need to stop fretting over these things and just get on with it.

It’s time to focus on me, get my shit together and gain inner strength.

If I cannot love myself, how can I expect another to love me and even if they do, it would surely impact them to see me in a more positive light.

It’s time for me to be selfish, focus on my own goals and create a mindset that involves less negativity.

I shall start by reducing my sugar intake. I know that eating the amount of sugar that I have is the root to why my skin is so bad, so why do I choose to ignore that fact and sabotage myself? Enough of this, with the amount of drinking that I do, I certainly don’t need to destroy myself in other ways too.

This takes me to my next step which is to actually, like — really reduce my drinking. I have actually done really well this month and have only gone out once so far, if I could just stick to this every month it will not only benefit my liver but also my purse!

Once I find a good balance and eventually regain the energy levels that I have been lacking recently I can start going to the gym regularly again. I know that having no energy is no excuse for lack of exercise but I have literally been feeling like the life has been taken out of me, run down and unable to function. Once I get out of this funk (which may involve a change in diet) I can start gymming regularly again and actually enjoy it!

I am already on the right track to being in the right frame of mind, I am still going crazy over things that are completely out of my control and I feel destroyed inside, but focusing on everything else is really helping.

Focusing on College work and applying for University has really taken my mind off things and if I stick to this not only will my grades be better, but I will have made a real start progressing to University too. Yes, I will still feel destroyed inside, but I will have other things to focus on and when the time comes I will gain clarity of the things that are really messing with my head as of present.

This is basically a huge to-do list of how to fix myself for the better, it will only work if I stick to it and my life will better because of it.

Sometimes you have to wait for things, but theres no point in moping around and wasting precious time. I am not getting any younger, time is still turning and I cannot put my future on hold, if anything this is the push that I need.

If it’s meant to be, it will be and I will just have to wait and see what happens.

Peace & Love,

XOXO

Hannah.

Take me back to sweet Paris!

As I look back on these past few months, I wish I had my very own Fluxxing Delorean. Since I getting back from Paris, everything went downhill. I lost all care in anything because I no longer had the thing that I cared about the most.

Although I am feeling better than I was, there are still parts of me that want to go back, Paris was the last time that I was actually properly happy. If it wasn’t for my friends these past few months, I don’t know where I would be.

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I feel like if I went back to Paris now, I could enjoy it differently, not caring about anything back home and just enjoy taking everything in.

Although I was with my friends in Paris, I found the Disney Dreams Show very romantic and wished that I had shared it with someone that I loved, I thought about seeing it with them while I watched it and at the time that made me happy. When I look back at that now, I should have just focused on it for myself and not thought about how much someone else would have enjoyed it. I should have enjoyed it for myself.

With holiday booked off around late July and nowhere to go, I can’t help but think about going to Paris alone and just getting lost in the city (mentally of course, not physically).

It will not happen though as it would be very sad to go to Paris, the city of romance, alone in the summer…

Hope you enjoyed a peek into my sad, lonely brain.

Normal posts will be up in the very near future.

XOXO

Hannah.

Pretty Little Liars/Ravenswood; My confused rant.

I could not express enough confusion for the Pretty Little Liars/Ravenswood crossovers and Hanna and Caleb’s relationship.

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I really wish they had never done the spin of show, when Hanna comes to visit I cannot figure when that actually happens in Pretty Little Liars.

When something happens between Hanna and Caleb in Ravenswood, has that actually happened yet in Pretty Little Liars?

I only watch Ravenswood when Hanna comes to stars in the episodes (mainly because I miss Haleb), but it is getting so confusing that I may just have to give up trying to follow their relationship and just focus on the other Pretty Little Liars story lines.

Also if Caleb ends up dying in Ravenswood I will not be impressed!

This whole Caleb/Miranda thing pisses me off too, poor Hanna is loved one minute and pushed aside the next.

— Rant over —

Hannah.

~ XOXO