Learning curve…

This past month I have been very alone, it hasn’t been great but it has taught me a few things.

Being alone has made me realise what I want, my heart is still set where it was before and I don’t think that will be changing very soon, but now I know that I definitely want University and will pursue that no matter what. I can have feelings for someone and that will not change, how they feel is what matters, but I cannot wait forever to find out. I will feel what I feel, but I cannot let those feelings stop me from working towards a future career.

I am in a place where I know what I need to do next year and I have to follow this plan no matter what, my feelings are clear but his are unreliable and I know that as soon as his confusion becomes clear it will make everything much simpler.

If he were to come back and realise that he wants me, he would realise that I have grown from us being apart, I have used this time away to focus on my personal issues and I know that if he were around me right now that he would notice that.

I saw a quote the other day that read;

“Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground.”

― Kyoko Escamilla

This quote is probably a good explanation of the frame of mind that I imagine he is in at this moment in time and if he thinks that being with me will get in the way of that, fine, but if he wants to be with me he can still be selfish because I am going to be selfish too. I am going to University, I will go travelling — maybe before Uni, maybe after — but I can be selfish and still love him, nothing will change that.

I am on a path of self discovery and being alone has helped, but if I were to find myself with his company again it would be great because I know that this time it would be different.

Peace,

H.

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It’s time

There are some things that are out of my control, like the speed a letter can arrive or teleportation and I need to stop fretting over these things and just get on with it.

It’s time to focus on me, get my shit together and gain inner strength.

If I cannot love myself, how can I expect another to love me and even if they do, it would surely impact them to see me in a more positive light.

It’s time for me to be selfish, focus on my own goals and create a mindset that involves less negativity.

I shall start by reducing my sugar intake. I know that eating the amount of sugar that I have is the root to why my skin is so bad, so why do I choose to ignore that fact and sabotage myself? Enough of this, with the amount of drinking that I do, I certainly don’t need to destroy myself in other ways too.

This takes me to my next step which is to actually, like — really reduce my drinking. I have actually done really well this month and have only gone out once so far, if I could just stick to this every month it will not only benefit my liver but also my purse!

Once I find a good balance and eventually regain the energy levels that I have been lacking recently I can start going to the gym regularly again. I know that having no energy is no excuse for lack of exercise but I have literally been feeling like the life has been taken out of me, run down and unable to function. Once I get out of this funk (which may involve a change in diet) I can start gymming regularly again and actually enjoy it!

I am already on the right track to being in the right frame of mind, I am still going crazy over things that are completely out of my control and I feel destroyed inside, but focusing on everything else is really helping.

Focusing on College work and applying for University has really taken my mind off things and if I stick to this not only will my grades be better, but I will have made a real start progressing to University too. Yes, I will still feel destroyed inside, but I will have other things to focus on and when the time comes I will gain clarity of the things that are really messing with my head as of present.

This is basically a huge to-do list of how to fix myself for the better, it will only work if I stick to it and my life will better because of it.

Sometimes you have to wait for things, but theres no point in moping around and wasting precious time. I am not getting any younger, time is still turning and I cannot put my future on hold, if anything this is the push that I need.

If it’s meant to be, it will be and I will just have to wait and see what happens.

Peace & Love,

XOXO

Hannah.

BRB losing my mind

I have been pushed to the limit, stretched too far.

There are only so many thoughts and feelings that a person can have before their brain goes into overdrive. My mind is frazzled and my body exhausted.

All of these things playing on my mind are causing me migraines and I need clarity.

I want things to go my way and work out, I want the ability to focus and get everything straight.

I have so much to do, things to pay off, deadlines and a very confused heart.

Someone give me the power to freeze time so that I can hibernate for a few weeks and recharge mentally and physically.

I cannot focus if I am worrying about the future and I cannot work on my future if I am not focused.

So basically, I have come to the conclusion that I need to be Wonderwoman and I need superpowers in order to survive this mess challenge that we call life.

Peace,

XOXO

Hannah.

Take me back to sweet Paris!

As I look back on these past few months, I wish I had my very own Fluxxing Delorean. Since I getting back from Paris, everything went downhill. I lost all care in anything because I no longer had the thing that I cared about the most.

Although I am feeling better than I was, there are still parts of me that want to go back, Paris was the last time that I was actually properly happy. If it wasn’t for my friends these past few months, I don’t know where I would be.

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I feel like if I went back to Paris now, I could enjoy it differently, not caring about anything back home and just enjoy taking everything in.

Although I was with my friends in Paris, I found the Disney Dreams Show very romantic and wished that I had shared it with someone that I loved, I thought about seeing it with them while I watched it and at the time that made me happy. When I look back at that now, I should have just focused on it for myself and not thought about how much someone else would have enjoyed it. I should have enjoyed it for myself.

With holiday booked off around late July and nowhere to go, I can’t help but think about going to Paris alone and just getting lost in the city (mentally of course, not physically).

It will not happen though as it would be very sad to go to Paris, the city of romance, alone in the summer…

Hope you enjoyed a peek into my sad, lonely brain.

Normal posts will be up in the very near future.

XOXO

Hannah.

Pretty Little Liars/Ravenswood; My confused rant.

I could not express enough confusion for the Pretty Little Liars/Ravenswood crossovers and Hanna and Caleb’s relationship.

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I really wish they had never done the spin of show, when Hanna comes to visit I cannot figure when that actually happens in Pretty Little Liars.

When something happens between Hanna and Caleb in Ravenswood, has that actually happened yet in Pretty Little Liars?

I only watch Ravenswood when Hanna comes to stars in the episodes (mainly because I miss Haleb), but it is getting so confusing that I may just have to give up trying to follow their relationship and just focus on the other Pretty Little Liars story lines.

Also if Caleb ends up dying in Ravenswood I will not be impressed!

This whole Caleb/Miranda thing pisses me off too, poor Hanna is loved one minute and pushed aside the next.

— Rant over —

Hannah.

~ XOXO