This past month I have been very alone, it hasn’t been great but it has taught me a few things.
Being alone has made me realise what I want, my heart is still set where it was before and I don’t think that will be changing very soon, but now I know that I definitely want University and will pursue that no matter what. I can have feelings for someone and that will not change, how they feel is what matters, but I cannot wait forever to find out. I will feel what I feel, but I cannot let those feelings stop me from working towards a future career.
I am in a place where I know what I need to do next year and I have to follow this plan no matter what, my feelings are clear but his are unreliable and I know that as soon as his confusion becomes clear it will make everything much simpler.
If he were to come back and realise that he wants me, he would realise that I have grown from us being apart, I have used this time away to focus on my personal issues and I know that if he were around me right now that he would notice that.
I saw a quote the other day that read;
“Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground.”
― Kyoko Escamilla
This quote is probably a good explanation of the frame of mind that I imagine he is in at this moment in time and if he thinks that being with me will get in the way of that, fine, but if he wants to be with me he can still be selfish because I am going to be selfish too. I am going to University, I will go travelling — maybe before Uni, maybe after — but I can be selfish and still love him, nothing will change that.
I am on a path of self discovery and being alone has helped, but if I were to find myself with his company again it would be great because I know that this time it would be different.